Eight TV/Film Teachers I Wish I Were

The Teacher has been a stock character in popular culture ever since Thomas Edison realized he could control people’s minds using moving pictures. Most of these characters fall into one of two categories: the Monster or the Martyr. Teachers are either portrayed as lazy, cruel, and incompetent, like Ms. Krabappel in The Simpsons, or saintly characters who sacrifice their personal lives in order to help inner-city kids get into college, like Hilary Swank’s character in Freedom Writers.

My favorite characters are the ones who are more nuanced than that. Behold, my list of TV/Film Teachers I Wish I Were:

1. Annie Sullivan, The Miracle Worker- Like the real Annie Sullivan, the character in the movie is a real badass. She grew up in an asylum, watched her brother die of tuberculosis, became blind and underwent surgery to restore her vision, and, of course, turned Helen Keller into the American sex symbol she is today. But the real reason I admire her is because she stands up to Helen’s father when he tries to mansplain to her that women are supposed to be meek and modest. #NastyWoman
2. Haley James Scott, One Tree Hill- Remember when Haley got fired from her job as an English teacher because she refused to censor a student’s article in the school newspaper? Stop lying, of course you do. One of my lifelong dreams is to get fired for the sake of the First Amendment. Haley could afford to do this because even though she is, like, 24, she somehow has enough money to live in a mansion and spend her time playing around in her friend’s recording studio.
3. John Keating, Dead Poets Society- Raise your hand if you have ever tried the walking-in-step experiment with your students. Or dreamed of your students standing on their desks saying “O captain, my captain.” When I start my poetry unit every year, I show my students this clip from DPS. I am the worst.
4. Dewey Finn, School of Rock- Teaching uptight private school students to disobey their parents is clearly my jam. What I love about this character is the way he treats the students like peers, making himself vulnerable to them as much as they are to him. Also, if a student ever said to me “You’re tacky, and I hate you,” I would have to retire because my career would have reached its pinnacle, and it could only go downhill from there.
5. Ms. Norbury, Mean Girls- She sees right through Cady’s “dumb girl” act and calls her out on it. Because she’s a pusher. She pushes people. Also, if Tina Fey played a drug-addicted prisoner who killed puppies, I would probably aspire to be just like her.
6. Emma Pillsbury Schuester, Glee- I am still sorting out my feelings about this show, but there is nothing ambiguous about Ms. Pillsbury’s wardrobe. If Cher Horowitz grew up and worked as a store manager at J. Crew (as if!), she would probably dress the mannequins in monochromatic outfits featuring twinsets, pussy-bow blouses, and necklaces that can each only be worn with one outfit. That’s Emma. She even wore a beret once.
7. The guy in this commercial- To be honest, I’m not sure if I’d rather be this guy or date him. That is, assuming he still has time for a relationship while starring in the role of Marquis de Lafayette/Thomas Jefferson in Hamilton.
8. Ms. Frizzle, The Magic Schoolbus- She clearly had access to some really powerful drugs.

Your turn! Which TV/film teachers do you admire?

September is Coming

I am taking a break from the four-year-long Game of Thrones episode in which we now live to think about a much cheerier topic: the First Day of School! A few days ago, I promised to share my plan, and you can all finally get some sleep tonight because here it is. I should mention that in my school, classes on the FDOS are a bit shorter than usual, so this lesson plan is designed to take about 30 minutes.

When students enter the room, they will find their name cards at their assigned seats. After introducing myself and taking attendance while the kids awkwardly stare at me and try to guess my age, I will hand out the long-awaited syllabus. But this year, my syllabus will be different. Every year, I give my students a two-page handout containing the rules regarding tardiness, homework, late assignments, and hand-to-hand combat. (Just kidding. There are no rules about hand-to-hand combat. In middle school, it’s every man for himself.) This year, I want to frame this in a more positive way. Students can read about the school policies in the student handbook, which they all keep on their nightstands next to their iPhones; they don’t need them to be repeated in each class. Instead, I will be giving my students a list of “How to Be Successful in English 8.” It’s the same information but focuses on their implied success rather than their potential failure.

After we go through that and I answer a bazillion questions about what students can and can not drink during class (VitaminWater is allowed, vodka is not), we get to the fun part. Students will fill out this anticipation guide, which I will collect and keep in a folder. At the end of the school year, they will fill them out again and compare their answers. I like this idea because it serves several purposes. Students get a preview of what they will be reading about and discussing throughout the year as well as a taste of my teaching style. At the end of the year, they will be able to reflect on how they have grown and the role the literature they read played in that growth. Also, I will be able to get a brief snapshot of each student by looking over their answers: with these questions, I can immediately identify the cynics, the optimists, and of course, the potential psychopaths.

This in itself might take up the rest of the period, but if not, I will then have the students break up into groups and discuss their answers. This will allow them to get to know each other, especially the few who are new to the school. Nothing facilitates a new friendship like a good ol’ debate on moral relativism.

And speaking of moral relativism, now that I have the FDOS figured out, I can go back to scrolling through the evisceration of Cersei Lannister Donald Trump in my newsfeed.  

Sorry for Being Such a Millennial

When sad things happen, like the events in Charlottesville over the weekend, I often wonder what my response should be. I could post something on Facebook about denouncing hate and the importance of standing up for what is right, and all my liberal, non-racist, mostly white Facebook friends will post praise emojis in response. I could donate money to the ACLU or another organization that will continue to tell white supremacists and Neo-Nazis that they are wrong. I could continue to follow the news and cry and double-check to make sure my doors are locked.

None of that will make a difference. An unemployed white man in rural Virginia will not hear of my heroic contribution and think to himself, “Boy, was I wrong. Let me go hug an immigrant.” This feeling of impotence is a luxury, I know. It means I am not too busy protecting my own life or mourning a relative to think about my place in the larger scheme of things. But it is an important question nonetheless.

Then, I remember that I am a teacher. In two weeks, I will hold the minds of 80 young people in my hands, and it is my responsibility to make sure they grow up to be the kind of people who protest hate, not perpetuate it. Given that I teach in a private school in one of the wealthiest areas of the country, my students--like me--are part of a privileged population. How do I make them aware of their privilege without making them feel ashamed of what they are? How do I teach them to empathize with, but not patronize, those who, by virtue of their birth, are vulnerable? And if I succeed, have I really done anything other than create another self-satisfied Facebook-posting, money-donating, news-following generation?

Help.   

The Greatest Issue Facing Our Nation: The First Day of School

Everyone knows the First Day of School is a big deal. The FDOS (not to be confused with PCOS, polycystic ovarian syndrome) sets the tone for the entire year, establishes expectations and behavioral norms, and determines the sex of your firstborn child. There seem to be three “schools” of thought (sorry) regarding what to do on the FDOS:

1. Getting to know you- This approach is probably more common among elementary school teachers, but there are plenty of middle and high school teachers who begin the school year this way, too. The benefit of this approach is that it makes the students feel welcome. It implies that you, the teacher, are a human being who wants to get to know these other, smaller human beings. Here are the downsides: In my school, most of the students have known each other since kindergarten, so icebreakers and similar activities are useless to them. Unless you teach first period, they have probably done similar activities in every other class that day and are bored. I know many teachers like to take the opportunity to introduce themselves to the students, but I don’t think this is a good idea either because--spoiler alert!--middle school students are self-centered creatures. Trust me, they do not care about where you went to college, and they do not want to see pictures of the tea cozy you just knitted. While we’re on the subject, neither does anyone else.  

2. Rules and expectations- I’m sorry, we’re supposed to refer to them as “procedures” now. If you have read The First Days of School by Harry K. Wong and Rosemary Tripi Wong, you likely subscribe to this approach. (Also, you are probably a recent graduate. Congratulations!) The Wongs suggest starting the school year by going over every classroom procedure, from turning in homework to sharpening pencils. Although middle schoolers definitely thrive on structure and need behavioral norms to be made explicit, I wonder how much students actually remember from doing this on the FDOS. Think about it--they may have met eight or ten new teachers today, each one with a different system for bathroom requests. Do they hold up one finger or two? Are they allowed to just walk out, or do they need permission? Just thinking about this scenario makes me feel like I need a Xanax.

3. Let’s get down to business (to defeat the Huns)- Some teachers like to jump right into teaching content on the FDOS. This communicates to students that your class is serious and gives them a preview of your teaching style. On the other hand, it could be interpreted as a sign that you care more about your syllabus than your students and aren’t interested in getting to know them as individuals. When I was a student, this was my favorite way to start a new class, but I also didn’t have a lot of friends, and those two things might be related.  

My ideal FDOS would involve a combination of all three approaches. It would keep students engaged while imparting useful information and making me seem caring but also cool. Stay tuned for the plan!

It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year

Guess what I love most about August. Is it the long, lazy days of reading at the beach and picnicking in the park? Nope! Is it the end-of-summer sales at the outlet mall? Guess again. Is it my birthday? Hell, no.

It’s the $1 bins at Target.

During the last few weeks of August, Target dumps its leftover inventory into a teacher’s paradise filled with classroom decor, educational materials, and office supplies. Need a set of folders featuring famous female scientists*? A calculator that uses emojis instead of numbers? A USB stick that doubles as a bat signal? It’s all here at single-digit prices. And the stickers--oh, the stickers! I could wallpaper my entire classroom with foil stars and tiny images of Disney-licensed characters. (I won’t, though. I mean, I shouldn’t...right?)

The find I am most excited about this year are these dry-erase label/cards:

I am a firm believer in assigned seating; spend five minutes in a room with two 13-year-old BFFs, and you will be, too. I usually assign new seats four times a year, once at the beginning of each quarter. I also do a lot of group work and like to switch it up so the kids get to work with someone different each time. In the past, I have assigned seats by writing every student’s name on a sticky note placed on his or her desk. Although the Post-It company has benefitted greatly from this method, it does seem a bit wasteful. This year, I plan to use these dry-erase cards instead. I can then collect them at the end of class, erase the names, and use them again next time I assign new seats.

The cards also come in six different colors per pack, so in addition to their regular assigned seats, I can organize the class into groups by color. For example, I might have all the students with pink cards work together, and so on. This could definitely come in handy with jigsaw groups. Another idea is to have the students use the cards to write down questions or observations about various aspects of the text--for example, a blue card for characterization, a green card for theme, etc.

These cards are not sold online, so get thee to a Target store quickly before they sell out or the fear of nuclear war closes them all down (too soon?). And let me know: How will you use them in the classroom?

*As far as I know, this does not yet exist. Can someone please get on this?

Let Me Explain

Monkey in the middle is the worst. I could write a book about all the reasons I dreaded gym class in elementary school, but I never dreaded it as much as when we had to play monkey in the middle. For those of you who have never played (or have suppressed your memories from everything that happened before you were of legal drinking age), the game is basically catch with one or more people in the middle, trying to steal the ball from the main players. If the “monkey” catches the ball, they switch places with the person whose ball they caught. The game ends when the teacher blows the whistle or one of the players realizes that they are basically Sisyphus and decides to go take a nap.

Middle school is a lot like playing monkey in the middle. You’re caught between two end points; you’re so over childhood but don’t yet have the perks of adolescence, like a driver’s license or secondary sex characteristics. Parents, teachers, friends, TV, and Kylie Jenner are all telling you who to be, and you’re just trying to catch the balls that keep flying over your head. Also, it smells pretty similar.

I often joke that I like teaching middle school because I am really a 13-year-old girl in a grown-up’s body. (So, basically, I recount the plot of Freaky Friday.) Adulthood, it turns out, is pretty much the same as middle school but with more debt. You never truly grow out of wanting to sit with the popular girls at lunch or breaking into a cold sweat when the love of your life this week walks into the room. Self-confidence does not suddenly appear when you wake up on your 20th birthday. Acne never really goes away (sorry).

I love teaching middle school because I understand what it is like to be a soul who only half-belongs in its body, grasping endlessly for an unidentified goal that never stops moving. Like a child on the cusp of everything and nothing. Like a monkey in the middle.